To whom it may concern

this one may be a little depressing, I'm not a depressed person, I am very happy but sometimes I do get sad, & sulk in my emotions.... just like tonight.. I seem to always feel better after I write my thoughts down. I also feel like I could write my thoughts down here cause in reality no one reads these.... right? Here I go...

I have many fears, but one of my main ones is that I am gonna have doubts for the rest of my life when it comes to love & choosing to marry someone, I fear that I won't be able to over come that.. I was so sure once in my life. But that was changed. for obvious & good reasons. Or I should say God reasons. I'm still so young, & have my life to look forward too. But I can't help to have marriage on my brain. (what girl doesn't) I'm not looking for a husband, I just have marriage on the brain. The way I look at marriage probably isn't the way most people do. I have set my standards higher then ever, & it's gonna take a lot for me to consider a guy. I sometimes think my expectations are too high, but I am by no means a desperate girl so I won't be lowering them for anyone. So another one of my fears is that no one is gonna ever be able to reach them.. I know God has a perfect man for me. but I sometimes I can't grasp the thoughts of it. like someone is actually gonna be able to LOVE me for who I am?? That's crazy talk to me. Yet I am reminded that God did create me who He wanted me to be, & I can't argue with that. Psalms 139:13-18 word it perfectly:

^"13For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

¹⁷How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ If I would count them, they are more than^(X) the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you"

So, there is is. I may be weird, I may be awkward, I may be too quiet, I may be too loud. I maybe too shy, or I may be too outspoken. But whatever it is, I am not "too" anything to Jesus, I am just perfect. & hopefully one day a guy will see that in me too. But for now Jesus thinking of me in that way is just enough. I am so grateful to have a God who loves me with an everlasting love. it will never grow cold & He will never fall out of love with me. so I end with this verse as a promise to everyone of us, God has someone perfect, they may not come tomorrow, or this year but God is not too slow to bring them, hold on to this verse, He will bring someone :) :

“The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you.....” 2 Peter 3:9

called to be pure not innocent.

So as I was reading today & I came across this quote, it hit straight to the heart. This quote has summed up my thoughts that I have been having for the past month. it's incredible. So i thought I would share:

"Jesus Christ never trusted human nature, yet He was never cynical, never suspicious, because He trusted absolutely in what He could do for human nature. The pure man or woman, not the innocent, is the safeguarded man or woman. You are never safe with an innocent man or woman. Men and women have no business to be innocent; God demands that they be pure and virtuous. Innocence is the characteristic of a child; it is a blameworthy thing for a man or woman not to be reconciled to the fact of sin." -Oswald Chambers

the girl I am today.

It's almost 2am, I am wide awake with so many thoughts & I'm not familiar with this whole blogging thing. So bare with me as I wanna share a little part of my life with everyone. and I'm not usually one to do that, I'm a keep to myself, shy, kind of girl. unless we're very close then you'll know a lot about me.. okay i'm gonna shut up & get along with my blog.

Well, my life has changed drastically in the past two years. I would have to say they have been hardest. But also have been the most encouraging! Finding out who God is in my life.. Through my heartache God became completely all that I need.

I've learned throughout my life people are a huge disappoinment (including myself) especially the ones who are close to you. But God never disappoints. it's so encouraging, yet so hard to grasp sometimes when you wanna rely on people that can't be there.

I am the girl who went through stuff that I would never wish upon the person I like the least.

But, I am also the girl who has a God who has fully mended her broken heart.

last year God spoke to me something which was: 'I can mend what has been broken, & save what seems to be lost.' & for a year, I have pondered and wondered what that was suppose to mean. Believe me, I thought of everything in the book. But the one thing that I didn't think of was actually the one thing that God was trying to show me.

He didn't mean he was gonna bring old things back in my life. He meant He was gonna mend MY broken heart, & was gonna fix all MY hurts and turn it around as if I never had them to begin with. if you asked me a year ago if i thought my heartache and pain would ever be gone. I would have honestly probably answered with a big fat NO! But it's incredible to be able to look back & look to where I am now. I can honestly say I am so very thankful. God is incredible. As I wrap this up, I wanna add as a testimony in my life through my heartache I sought God more then I have ever have in my life, and through that God became more real in my life. He never failed, when I was down on my knees arguing with Him, He still loved me & still held me dear to His heart. Everytime I was down and crying I always went & read this and found encoragement through this prayer:

"My faith is small, but I will be healed when I touch the wounds in Your hands. I have fallen so many times but You always rescue me with a mighty hand. I was worthless but I am now the crown upon Your head. Although I am a failure I am still the apple of Your eye. You choose the foolish, so choose me. You use the powerless, so use me. You call those who are counted as nothing, so call me, Lord. Use my voice to declare hope. use my eyes to search out the lost. Use my life to beat the darkness. And use it as an instrument of life. No one is too small for You. Nothing is too hard for You. You are the God of the miraculous & the God of all hope. Your wings will give flight to my dreams. Your promise will be a rock upon which I stand. I will not be shaken, I wil not be moved. With You i can do anything. In Jesus' name, amen."

be encouraged. Our God is greater.

if you made it through reading this blog I applaud you. because I don't blame anyone if they don't read the whole thing it's pretty long.. well God Bless. :)